The Need to be Stronger
by Anna Rosalind
Summary: Post OOTP, Harry is mad at Dumbledore, his friends, and his family. But he turns that hatred inwards and discovers what can happen when you tap into pure emotion.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Sadly, I am not JKR therefore Harry is not of my own mind. I am simply an insomniac who gets bored at 2am and decides to attempt writing a fanfiction.

* * *

Harry sat in his room, in a corner, with his knees pulled up to his chest. 'Maybe if I just stay quiet, right here they will leave me alone,' he thought. 'If I stay quiet the Dursleys won't have to hurt me.'

It was three weeks into the summer holidays after Harrys' fifth year at Hogwarts, and he wasn't sure how much more he could take. He had known the Dursleys could hurt him before, and when he was younger they had, but this was much worse. Now they weren't physically harming him – he could handle that – they were emotionally harming him -

'_harming_ more like torturing.'

Harry had been planning on not telling the Dursleys that Sirius was dead, but Dumbledore was… _caring_ enough to send a letter to the Dursleys four days into the holidays to explain to them what had happened.

Vernon had been furious enough to receive a letter from one of _his people_, and had been even more upset that the owl had dropped the letter right on top of his head. Still, that was nothing compared to the rage he had been in when he found out that Harry didn't have a godfather to protect him anymore.

* * *

"_BOY! So your good-for-nothing criminal godfather went and got himself killed and you still think you can use him as a threat against us, to, as your __friends__ said, 'keep us in line?' Well I won't have it! No we give you clothes, food, and you threaten us with mass-murdering scum who got himself killed following you. I bet you must feel so __special__ having __your type__ following you around, waiting on you. Well not in this house boy! You are just a little freak, and I plan on teaching you that!"_

* * *

It took everything Harry had to not blow up at his uncle at that point, so he had just walked away to his room. But that didn't stop Vernon, nor did it stop the rest of the Dursleys. For the following two weeks and three days they tormented Harry every time they saw him. Degrading him, taunting him, reminding him of how powerless he is.

'How could he think I would be glad that this happened? He thinks I liked it that he followed me to the ministry? Just because I didn't tell him about it he thinks that I was still using Sirius to threaten him? And he insulted Sirius! How dare he insult him—'

At this point Harry cut off his thoughts as he saw small lightning bolts start to appear across his body and fly out across the room. 'Stop it Harry! Stop! You can't do accidental magic! They'll just use it against you, hurt you even more. Not to mention what the ministry would do to me.'

So Harry reigned in his power, but instead of stopping the magic completely he accidentally turned it inwards. Instead of casting the lightning bolts across the room, he felt them within his veins, his muscles, and even his bones. He felt them shocking every nerve in his body. It hurt him and shocked him so much that he involuntarily cried out.

Suddenly Harry cut off his cry, and shut down the magic that was attacking him. He reluctantly turned his gaze to the door, just waiting for Vernon to come in and yell at him. But he heard nothing.

'Why isn't he coming? He would usually be yelling at me by now, or at least be stomping up the stairs to get at me. Maybe he's trying to lull me into a false sense of security, make me think it was okay and relax, then he'll surprise me and hurt me even more. You are so stupid Harry! Why would you cry out like that? Oh, you can escape from Voldemort just fine, but you can't even handle your own magic? You are so weak! No wonder Voldemort came back to power, it's all your fault! Everything is your fault! Cedric died because of you, Voldemort returned even stronger because of your blood, Sirius died because you were too dumb.'

And so Harry went on for a while, turning all his hatred onto the only person who was there, himself. He started blaming himself for everything that had happened, from his parents' death up until Sirius' death; everything that was happening, Voldemort's attacks, the dementors, everything; and even what had not happened yet. 'Voldemort is going to destroy the wizarding world, all because I am so weak. I don't even have anything to help me! "power the dark lord knows not" And Dumbledore said it was _love_. How can love help me? Love didn't help my parents… or Sirius. I'm so useless.'

Harry had even gotten into the habit of saying some of the things his family said to him to himself. He knew he had to fight Voldemort, or at least try. But he felt weak, pitiful, dumb…. Hopeless.

So with this in mind Harry walked over to the other side of the room, quietly pried open the loose floorboard, and reached down to grab the knife he had hidden in there.

* * *

So, what do you think? Should I attempt to continue the story, or just give up here? XP

Reviewers are an authors best friend, even the mean ones ;)


	2. Chapter 2

Yayyy longer chapter and an update :D

Disclaimer: I am not JKR, so I did not make up or own Harry or anything you recognize, I simply manipulate him when I get inspired to write late at night while I'm sick :)

* * *

As Harry slowly lifted the knife he saw the stars glinting off of the blade from the open window. He had taken the biggest knife out of the kitchen while his family had been out one day. Most wizards didn't know how to defend themselves against physical attacks, and while Harry may not be strong, he can at least stab someone with a knife. Plus it's an easy way to attack someone while getting around the restrictions on underage magic use.

But now Harry had a different use for the cooking knife—well really it was closer to a dagger than a cooking knife, and he really had no idea why Aunt Petunia would need something like this in the kitchen.

He tilted the blade, so that instead of seeing the stars, the blade was reflecting his own eyes. He tried to find his mother in his eyes, having been told that he has his mother's eyes. But all he saw was another person who had died because of him… and his own weakness.

Harry brought the blade up to his throat. But just as he was about to drag the knife across the skin, his mind flashed to a picture of the great hall in Hogwarts. He saw Ron and Hermione waving at him; Hagrid giving him a smile; Dumbledore's eyes, as ever, twinkling at him; and he saw the faces of the people that would die if he was not around to stop, or try to stop, Voldemort.

Harry imagined all of the Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, and even some of the Slytherins, who would die if Voldemort took over the world. Harry knew the prophecy now, and even though he knew he probably would die trying to defeat Voldemort, he could not kill himself knowing that without him the wizarding world would have an even smaller chance at surviving this war.

So he slowly lowered the knife, and simply held it in his lap. Hating himself for not even being able to kill himself.

'I hate this. I'm not in control of anything. I can't control my magic—as I just demonstrated with the whole lightning fiasco; I can't avoid being manipulated by Voldemort or Dumbledore; and now I can't even kill myself to escape it all. I'm so weak, I can't do anything!'

So with this and the need to punish himself for his weakness in mind Harry brought the knife back up again. But this time he did not bring the knife to his throat. Instead Harry moved the knife over to his left wrist—not to kill himself this time, just to punish himself as nobody else could for his weakness.

He could be attacked and hurt by his family, or by death eaters, or by Voldemort himself, but this was finally something he had control over. Something personal. Something that would mean something to him, instead of just senseless pain. [_Important! Read the authors note at the bottom when you are done reading the chapter._]

And so Harry slowly slid the knife across his wrist, while applying pressure to be able to break the skin. As soon as the blood started flowing Harry felt a rush, not of fear or relief, but of power. Harry closed his eyes as he felt his magic swirl around him. It finally felt under his own control, it was not randomly flaring out of his body, but instead simply swirling around him. Not doing anything except existing.

After several minutes of just breathing in his own power Harry opened his eyes and looked down at his wrist. However, instead of seeing his blood pooling in the wound and then dripping down onto the floor, he saw the blood swirling in patterns on his skin, emanating from the cut.

The blood had spilled out of his cut and begun to wrap itself around his forearm, creating spirals and patterns on the way. The blood had also wound its way up his hand and twisted around his fingers and palm creating similar patterns there.

He watched in amazement for a minute as the patterns continued to grow, until they reached his elbow. Once there the trails of blood slowly stopped flowing. Looking closer at the blood he noticed the surface seemed to shimmer with the magic that was still emanating from him. Then, slowly, tiny runes appeared on the surface of the blood.

The cloud of magic around him gave one final pulse, and then dissipated. As he felt his magic recede the blood on him forearm seemed to be absorbed into his skin.

At first Harry thought that he had just had a serious hallucination and that he should think about asking Aunt Petunia to take him to a mental institution, he wouldn't admit to the self-harm and suicidal thoughts but hallucinating something in that great of detail scared even him.

Then he looked closer at the arm he still hadn't taken his eyes off of and saw faint silver lines where he patterns had formed.

"Well that wasn't what I was expecting to happen…" He whispered to himself.

* * *

Harry had no clue how long he sat there in his room—alternating between staring at the cut on his wrist, the silver lines on his arm and hand, and closing his eyes.

But he finally had up his mind: He needed to figure out what happened, and what it meant.

So he picked up the knife again—this time feeling nothing but a strong curiosity—and slowly made a small cut on his right forearm. Instead of cutting his wrist this time, he instead cut about half-way between his wrist and his elbow. He didn't want to hurt or punish himself this time, but to learn.

He waited expectantly for a second until he saw a blood drop fall from his arm onto the floor. 'It isn't happening again… It's just a normal cut.'

Harry practically glared at the small cut on his right forearm before putting the knife back under the loose floorboard and going to the bathroom to wash off the blood from his arm.

As he was drying his arm Harry looked into the mirror for the first time since the beginning of the summer. His hair had grown even longer than it usually was. It somehow had grown enough to rest on his shoulders, 'no wonder Vernon keeps telling me I need a haircut.'

His gaze then moved to the clothes that he was wearing—a gray t-shirt that had been close-fitting at the beginning of the summer, and some comfy black sweatpants. The Dursleys had finally told him that they wouldn't be giving him any more clothes since he didn't wear _normal_ clothes for most of the year anyway, so why should they even give him Dudley's old clothes. So Harry had taken some of the muggle money he had from gringotts, taken the bus into the center of town, and bought some new clothes.

'Too bad with all this weight that I've lost they don't fit anymore… still they are better than Dudley's old clothes. And at least the Order members who I _know_ are watching me didn't stop me from going into town.' Still after that one time either the Durlseys or the Order had stopped him every time he had tried to leave the house.

It seemed that unlike last summer when the Dursleys didn't care whether he came or went, now they wanted him right under their thumb so they could scrutinize him constantly. While the Order just sat back and tried to stop him from doing something stupid—like trying to hunt down Bellatrix by himself.

He had tried that the first week after he got back home. He barely walked ten steps down the road before the Order swooped in and told him not to do anything stupid. Apparently he had looked just about ready to murder someone, and from his facial expression they had guessed what he was going to do.

'I have got to get out of here. I've been stuck in this tiny house and that stupid garden for over two weeks now. I can't take it anymore. I have to get out before I do something _really _stupid.' The first place Harry thought of was the Burrow, but the Weasleys would probably tell Dumbledore that he was there and make him come back to the Dursleys—plus he had no idea how to get there by himself.

Harry then thought of Grimmauld place. He thought the Order might still be there after Sirius died—he would have to see about that. Any other place in the wizarding world wouldn't be safe from Voldemort, except of course Hogwarts—'but how the hell am I supposed to get to Hogwarts? And what would I do there?'

Harry sighed as he turned away from the mirror and went to his room to plan.

* * *

Harry looked around his room one more time, he had a backpack by the door with the marauders map, some money (both muggle and wizarding), a couple clothes, some school books he thought might be helpful, and some random things he wanted to bring with him for no reason other than it felt right. He had even packed the knife that had been under his floorboards, though whenever he looked at his he felt a twinge of both guilt and curiosity.

He had left the room messy, that way if any of the Order or his family got suspicious that he wasn't there anymore it wouldn't be a dead give-away that he had left and may slow them down for at least a little bit. Harry scoffed, he doubted any of the Order had even seen him since he went out shopping—the day before Dumbledore's letter arrived—since he hadn't been let out of the house, or had chosen to stay inside since then. Meanwhile the Dursleys would probably think he was sulking in his room, and allow him to stay like that until they wanted to torture him some more.

Now his entire plan was depending on one fact—whether Mad-eye was outside or not. If Mad-eye wasn't on 'Potter-watch' duty then Harry could successfully escape, but if he was there Harry would be caught, dragged back to number 4 Privet drive, and Dumbledore would be informed that Harry had been attempting to sneak out. Still, even if they caught him they couldn't find out his plans, so he could just try again another time. Harry had spent several days planning exactly how to do this, and he wouldn't let one bad attempt ruin his plans.

He glanced at his new watch, which he had bought when he bought his new clothes, swore quietly and went over to the door. He put his bag over his shoulder, threw on the invisibility cloak which had been lying next to the bag, and pressed his ear up against the door. He barely heard Dudley's alarm going off and breathed a sigh of relief, he wasn't late—yet. He waited until he heard Dudley lumber out of his bedroom and go down stairs and into the kitchen for breakfast.

Harry had about sixty seconds to do this, if he didn't want to get caught. So as soon as he heard Dudley enter the kitchen he quietly opened his door, slipped out and turned around to use the muggle trick the twins had taught him to jam the lock so that the Dursleys would assume he had just locked himself in his room.

He practically ran down the stairs (being careful to avoid the creaking stair of course), and waited by the coat rack by the door. Just as he got into place Vernon and Petunia walked into the corridor, they walked down to the door, then Petunia opened it. As soon as the door opened Harry took a cautious step forward balancing on the balls of his feet waiting for the opportunity to slip through the door. Petunia turned around after opening the door to wish he husband a good day at work, and receive a warning not to "let the boy get out of line" in return. As they were talking Harry seized his chance and slipped through the small gap between Petunia and the door frame.

He then waited next to the door until Vernon left in his car and Aunt Petunia returned to the house—he could not risk them noticing anything, even if he was under an invisibility cloak. As soon as Vernon's car turned the corner Harry looked around trying to find any signs of an Order member outside his house. He couldn't see any so he assumed they would also be under an invisibility cloak—'I really need to find a way to check my surroundings better… but I think I'll go without removing an eye to get one like Moody's.'

And so Harry readjusted the bag on his shoulder and walked down Privet drive towards Wisteria Walk. Harry breathed a sigh of relief as it seemed Moody wasn't outside that day, maybe his luck was finally looking up. He made his way over to the bus stop on Magnolia road, near the park entrance, and waited there. Now for the second gamble, he could get into town without taking a muggle bus, but it would be a lot easier to just do it this way, so he was hoping either some passengers would need to get off at this stop, or someone else would show up to get on.

He waited for about 10 minutes until he saw the bus, but no other people had shown up at the bus stop. Thankfully the bus stopped as a man who lived down the street from the Dursleys got off. As soon as the man moved out of the way of the doors Harry hopped on and noticed there was almost nobody on the bus. He moved to the very back of the bus and stood, rather than risking sitting down in a seat someone might want later.

When Harry got into town he decided to go shopping again, but this time to buy clothes that were not really his style. Anything to distance himself from the Harry Potter everyone would recognize. He also bought some make-up, blushing as he handed it to the cashier, but in the next store he went to he entered the dressing room and applied some of the newly bought foundation and concealer to his scar. Just like, that the scar that marked him as Harry Potter was gone—'thank merlin one of my best friends is a girl.'

That done he changed his clothes again, pulling his new hoodie over his head. He glanced in the mirror and had to stop himself from laughing—he looked exactly like those 'hoodlums' on the streets of London Vernon always pointed out as people who would mug them given the opportunity. Best of all though there was nothing to remind anyone of Harry Potter as long as he didn't happen to meet anyone that would recognize his eyes.

Before Harry left the store he made sure everything was still in his bag, and made sure the invisibility cloak was securely under his hoodie. He made sure his wand wouldn't fall out of the large pockets in his new baggy pants, and then left the store satisfied with his appearance.

* * *

Harry took another bus, and then the London underground until he got to the stop he and Mr. Weasley had used to get to his trial at the ministry the previous year. He attempted to retrace his steps to Grimmauld place, but made a couple of wrong turns. Finally, though, he arrived at 12 Grimmauld place. He carefully walked around the green, trying not to attract the attention of anyone who might be in Sirius' old house, then made his way over to a tree to climb in order to watch the building without being easily seen.

Once Harry was up in the tree he threw the invisibility cloak over himself, and settled down for a long day and two nights.

Finally Harry climbed down from the tree for the last time, he had stayed in the tree the rest of that day and night, and then the next day and night, only coming down to go to the bathroom (he had food in his bag that he had bought when he bought his new clothes). Based on the frequency of Order members entering and leaving 12 Grimmauld place last summer he guessed that there was nobody using the house this summer. Or they were staying inside for over 24 hours, which he seriously doubted.

He walked up to the door, tried to open it but found it locked. So he pulled out the lock picking kit Fred and George had given him. He opened the door easily, and quietly slid inside. He looked down the dark corridor and listened carefully to see if he could find any signs of anyone living here—just in case.

'Damn, I really need to find a better way to check my surroundings.' He thought to himself.

* * *

AN:

_In no way_ do I suggest, support, or smile upon self-harm. I have been there, and it sucks. If anyone reading this is thinking about it or doing it, please stop! You don't need to. Whether you are doing it for punishment, or to feel better about yourself, or anything, please don't. 3 I just have sick, twisted mind, and this is what I came up with to work for this story. Please don't hate me for writing about this .

Okay, well I wrote more than the last chapter here, I'm going to aim to get longer chapters, but right now since the story is just starting this is what I have for now.

On the plus side for now I'm going to attempt to update every one or two weeks, since A) I get bored easily and writing will give me something to do, and B) it annoys me when people don't update for months at a time so if I did that it would make me a giant hypocrite .


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry! I was planning on updating like three days ago, but I had major writers block, so if part of this chapter sucks, I apologize, that is what happens when I attempt to force myself to write but before I give it up as a bad job.

Disclaimer: Did Dobby not die? Did Hedwig survive? Did Sirius come back in the sixth book? Did Fred live on and eventually marry someone called Anna Rosalind? No? Well then I guess I'm not JK Rowling, and I didn't write Harry Potter, so anything you recognize is not mine.

* * *

Harry walked down the hallway with his knife in one hand, his wand in the other, and his invisibility cloak back in his bag. He decided to start off in the kitchen and then search the rest of the house. Checking every room from the bottom of the house up to the top floor (careful to avoid being seen by Phineas Nigellus' portrait), Harry went very slowly and quietly but didn't find anyone.

Harry finally got to the last door on the top landing. He walked to the door and slowly eased it open, but it too was empty. "Well that was anti-climactic." Harry turned to go back downstairs and get himself set up in one of the rooms, but as he was going to close the door he thought he heard something. He left the door open, and turned back around to face the room… then waited.

"The filthy little half-blood. Coming into Kreacher's mistresses house again. What does he want here? He should have left with all the rest of the half-breeds and mudbloods."

Harry could barely hear the mumbling but turned in the direction he thought he heard it coming from, and saw Kreacher sitting against the wall caressing a robe and so covered in dust it was not surprising that Harry did not notice him at first.

"Kreacher?"

This only served to start Kreacher on another of his rants in which he insulted Harry, Harry's mother, and the Order—all while using a very colorful vocabulary. As the house-elf went on he stopped muttering and his rant got louder and louder. "Oh Merlin! Would you bloody shut up Kreacher?" To his surprise Kreacher actually stopped his rant while glaring daggers at Harry.

Harry paused and looked at Kreacher partially surprised, the only person who he had ever seen Kreacher actually listen to was Sirius, and even that had only happened a few times without a struggle. 'Does this mean that I am his master now? Wait…how the hell did that happen? Well, only one way to check.'

"Okay Kreacher, bring me a bottle of firewhisky, and that's an order." Kreacher glared at him again, then popped away then after a second popped back into the room with a bottle of firewhisky in his hands that he angrily shoved into Harry's hands while mumbling "stupid half-blood making me bring him Master Orion's secret stash. He's not worthy of getting my master's drink." Harry raised his eyebrows in surprise, then looked down at the bottle in his hands 'well at least this will come in handy later.'

"Kreacher, am I your master now? How did that happen? Answer me truthfully… and what happened in here to the Order since S—Sirius died? And leave out the insults."

The was a pause as Kreacher appeared to think about how to word it without disobeying the order to not insult anyone. " When Kreacher's last master died the group of… _wizards_ left saying that the house was not safe in case Kreacher's true masters—the wonderful Bellatrix and her family—came to the house. But those wizards did not know that Kreacher's last master gave everything to… _you_!" He then started talking faster, fiercer, and with less careful consideration before each word, "But Kreacher did not want to go to his new master, Kreacher wants to stay with the most noble house of black, oh what would Kreacher's mistress say if she saw the filth Kreacher had to serve now because of her bad son's will."

"Kreacher! Shut up and go clean or something!" Harry snapped, hearing enough of Kreacher's rants. 'At least I know what happened now. Now to figure everything else out…' Deciding that he would think better after some food he carried the bottle of firewhisky down to the kitchen, and started to search through the cabinets to see if there was any good food left.

After a very thorough search—in which he only found some very moldy bread—Harry gave up looking for food. Harry pulled up his hood and went back out into muggle London to find a place to eat, using the little bit of muggle money that he had left over from his shopping trip, and decided that since he needed more money and information he had better just go to Diagon Alley now instead of making another trip.

* * *

Harry adjusted his hood again as he entered Gringotts making sure to not meet anyone's eyes, especially since he had gotten a lot of dirty looks since he had first entered Diagon Alley. He walked up to a goblin and quietly said, "I need to take some money out of my vaults." The goblin looked down at him, and glared at his appearance, "Do you have your key?" Harry took out his key, and looked up at the goblin, making sure to make eye contact so the goblin would know who he was.

"Griphook!" As Griphook came over Harry looked up at the goblin behind the desk, "I also need to get some muggle money." The goblin glanced down at Harry with a raised eyebrow before skimming a paper in front of him, "That should be fine, we can get exchange some of your money for muggle money when you come back, and before your meeting with my supervisor."

"Wait…what?" But since Harry didn't get an answer and Griphook was waiting impatiently for him, Harry just walked over to the door that would lead to his vault. After filling 4 large pouches with coins Harry went back to exchange some of it for muggle money and then go to the meeting.

Griphook showed Harry to another door off of the main room in Gringotts, down a hallway, and then into another room where a goblin was sitting at a desk. Harry sat down across from the goblin and looked at him curiously, "I was told I had a meeting with you, but I'm not really sure why…"

"Ah yes… Mr. Potter. We were not expecting to see you until the end of the summer when Dumbledore would bring you, but this suits our needs even better. Now I have your godfather's will here, would you like to hear the contents?"

"Umm… sure?"

The Goblin merely raised his eyebrow at Harry's response then turned to the letter on his desk "_Last Will and Testament of Sirius Orion Black. I bequeath the whole of my estate, property and effects, whether movable or immovable, wheresoever situated and of whatsoever nature to my Godson Harry James Potter. Hopefully you will give some of the money from my vault to Moony, my cousin Tonks, and the Weasleys, but hey kid, it's yours so do with it whatever you want. I also leave you the title of Lord Black. And Harry, if for some reason I died fighting Lord Mouldy and his minions, don't beat yourself up kid, I don't know what happened but it's not your fault, so go kick some ass for me!" _Harry sat there smiling sadly at his godfather's antics. Then thought about what he just heard.

"Wait… Lord Black? And how much money was in his vaults?"

"Rounded to the nearest hundred thousand, there is 1 million 2 thousand Galleons in the Black vault," Harry felt his eyes widen in surprise at this estimate, "we can have that moved to the Potter vault, or keep them separate depending on what you would prefer to do. As for the title of Lord, your godfather has added the title of the head of the Black household to your title as Lord Potter, this gives you two seats in the Wizengamot. However, until you turn seventeen next year these seats are occupied by your magical guardian."

"Okay, I seem to be asking a lot of questions, but my magical guardian?"

The Goblin smirked at Harry, giving him the feeling that the goblin was enjoying Harry's confusion tremendously, "In magical families the magical guardian is most often a parent. However, in cases such as yours where the child is raised by muggles the magical guardian is usually the head of the school the child will attend. In these cases the magical guardian gets a set amount of money each month from the student. The magical guardian has a certain amount of influence over the student's financial standings, they also organize marriage contracts in some cases—such as yours with Ms. Ginevra Weasley." Upon seeing Harry's shocked look the goblin continued instead of waiting for the question he knew was coming, "It seems that shortly after you first arrived at Hogwarts Albus Dumbledore created a marriage contract between yourself and Ginevra, through this contract the Weasley's have been getting 1,000 Galleons from your vault every other month."

Harry was outraged, to say the least. He was now looking back at his whole relationship with the Weasley's and reconsidering everything that had happened. "Okay, first of all how can I get rid of the marriage contract, and second of all how can I change my magical guardian?"

"I can have the forms brought up for both of those, they are relatively simply, you just need to decide who you would like your magical guardian to be." Harry thought for a while about who he thought he could trust; before he would have said Sirius and then the Weasleys, but now he wasn't so sure. After thinking for a minute it suddenly hit him, 'How could I not think of him before!' He thought, almost smacking himself.

"Remus Lupin. I want Lupin to be my magical guardian. …But just in case, whenever he makes a change to anything concerning me, can I be notified about that change? I don't want anyone to make decisions for me without my knowledge again."

Harry then filled out the forms, thanked the Goblin, and wandered out of the bank still in a state of shock about what he had just learned about both the Weasleys and Dumbledore. He shoved the thoughts out of his head, deciding he could think about it later, and considered where to go next.

'I should probably go pick up some books, some wizards clothes wouldn't hurt either… then one last stop before going home.'

* * *

Harry walked down Diagon Alley with bags, that were magically expanded on the inside, filled with books on bloodmagic, defense, and even some obscure books on the dark arts (he had needed to slip into Knockturn Alley to find some of the books), the other bags were filled with wizards clothing. He hadn't wanted to risk Madam Malkins recognizing him though, so he just got standard robes instead of robes that were fitted.

He looked up and out from under his hood as he approached the store he had been looking for—it was kind of hard to miss now that he thought about it. He made sure he had his wand easily accessible, transferred all of the bags to his left hand, and opened the door to enter the pandemonium inside. He was a little shocked at the organized chaos inside, but ignored it as he searched the store with a mixture of anger, curiosity, and hope until he found one of the two red-heads who owned the store.

* * *

AN:

Thank to everyone who favorited or put up a story alert on this story, and a special thanks to Kenderu for reviewing!

To anyone else reading: Tell me what you think, even if you hate it, as long as you tell me what you hate it will only serve to make the story better. And if you don't review… well I'll probably still write, I'll just be less motivated to get the chapters out, but I will still probably update every couple of weeks, so no biggy to those who want to read more but don't review.

And now I'm rambling, so I'll just go now .

P.S.~ I have finals next week, so I probably won't update until next weekend at the earliest. Yea yea I know, crappy excuses, but I really kind of need to get good grades on these finals XP


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry for the late update, but I had finals, 2 (yea count them, two!) car crashes, and family issues.

Disclaimer: I may be British but I am not JKR therefore I own nothing you recognize.

* * *

A Mr. Remus Lupin sat at a desk in the living room of his apartment in London staring blankly at a book as Harry walked into this store. He had no idea what was going on in another part of London not too far away from him, but it was not likely that he would be stopping by any part of wizard London that day. He had just received another letter denying his application for a job and was thoroughly frustrated.

He knew that it was hard to get a job because of his… 'problem' but this was getting ridiculous. He hadn't had a job in the wizarding world since he had left Hogwarts. He was trying to ignore his problems by reading a good book, but even that wasn't helping as he kept reflecting on either the job denials or on his friend's death.

Remus had barely talked to anyone from the wizarding world since Sirius had died—apart from doing Order business. He knew he shouldn't hide away from everyone but hey, with Sirius gone he was the last of the Marauders, he should be allowed to grieve right? James was dead, Peter was a traitor and no longer considered a marauder in Remus' eyes, and now Sirius was dead. The only person who could possibly understand what this felt like was Harry, and Dumbledore had told him not to contact Harry.

'What would I say anyway? "Hey Harry sorry your father-figure just died on you, maybe I could replace him and it would make us both feel better." Yea that would go wonderfully.' Remus sighed as he continued to mentally berate himself, 'Besides, Harry never saw me in the same light he saw Sirius, and who could blame him? After I left Hogwarts we barely talked, I didn't even send him letters to see how he was doing! Sirius was on the run and he still had more contact with Harry than I did. It's been too long since I've seen Harry and actually talked to him…'

Remus glanced at the clock, "Damn." He stood up, picked up his jacket, and left to go to the muggle bakery he worked at. He didn't even notice the small sealed scroll that appeared on the desk he had just vacated as he locked the door.

Meanwhile Harry approached the red-head that was passing products to a blonde woman as she stocked the shelves. He made sure his hood was casting a shadow over his face and walked up behind the red-head.

"So, how good are you and your brother at keeping customer confidentiality?" Harry tried to change his voice so it wouldn't be completely obvious that it was him and stepped back as he waited for an answer.

The red-head turned to face Harry and a look of surprise came over his face as he realized that the customer obviously wanted to keep his face hidden under his hood. "Umm… it depends on what subject. Anything breaking any of the _big_ laws we really can't participate in, but anything other than that nobody ever has to know except the customer, Fred and me."

Harry smirked as he heard this, 'Good then I can keep them from telling their family that I was here.' "Okay, in that case, I have a business proposition for you and your brother. But I would prefer to conduct our business in private."

George's face broke out into a grin as he turned to the blonde woman behind him, "Hey, Verity, can you take over the store for a little? We're going to be conducting some business in the back. Okay sir, just follow me." George started walking towards the back of the store as he saw Fred, "Oi! Fred, Come 'ere!"

Harry followed the two red-headed twins into the back room and asked if they could ensure that nobody would overhear their conversation. Harry waited until they put some wards up then sat down on a chair, propped his feet up on the desk, and lowered his hood. He couldn't hide the smirk as he heard two simultaneous gasps. "Harry mate, what're you doing here? We thought you were still back with the muggles."

"Yea I know, I snuck out a while ago, now I need you guys to not tell _anyone_ that I was here. You can't tell your parents, or Ginny, or even Ron. _Nobody_. If you can't do that tell me right now and I will leave."

The twins exchanged confused glances but agreed. "Good, I would really hate to have to leave the country because you told people I was here. Okay now down to business: I have several objects I would like you to do some R&D on. You think you are up to it? Of course I will pay for everything, but they would help me a lot."

Fred and George's faces had become more and more surprised as Harry was talking, but as soon as they heard that Harry wanted them to invent some more things their eyes lit up.

"Why Harry—"  
"I don't think—"  
"We would be able—"  
"To deny such a request—"  
"After looking at that gorgeous face of yours."  
"So what do you propose?"

Harry smirked as he brought out a list. "It's pretty simple actually. Since I'm still underage, I need to be able to get around without _technically_ using magic. So I was thinking something similar to the headless hats, but with glamour charms not invisibility charms, also notice-me-not charms. You think you can handle that much?"

"Harry! Do you—"  
"Mean to insult—"  
"Our intelligence?"  
"Of course we can handle that!"  
"In fact—"  
"We can also give you—"  
"Our new shield line—"  
"We created it for fun, but the aurors really like it—"  
"Basically you put it on and it creates a shield charm—"  
"To block some hexes, jinxes, and curses."  
"We can probably make the other stuff for you in about…"  
"A week? Maybe two so we can figure out if the charms will work the same way."

"That'll work, I'll send Hedwig over and she'll be able to find me for you. Now there is one last thing I need. Now I'm not sure if it's even possible, so that's why I'm asking you. I figure if anyone can figure out how to invent this, it's you two. You up to it?" Harry reached into his bag and pulled out the Marauder's map. He saw the twins eyes light up in recognition and lay it on the table in front of them. "I wanna know if it's possible to make a map not of a specific building, but of the area around a specific person. You know, something that'll center on one person, and show the area around them and anyone in that area. I know it'll be difficult—if it's even possible, but it would really help me."

The twins' looks had gone from reminiscent, to curious, to doubtful, to inspired very quickly while Harry had talked. "Harry, my friend—"  
"If it can be done, we'll figure it out!"

"Great! So what's been going on in the wizarding world since I left school?"

"Well Percy's still being a prat, and you-know-who is still gathering his forces, so it's not as bad as it was in the last war, but you can definitely tell he's here now. There have only been a couple of disappearances and killings though, it's mostly the death eaters showing off their power and that they are here. The Order is still being a reactionary force, not taking the fight to you-know-who, but instead just cleaning up afterwards. And mum is of course being over-protective of everyone."

"Speaking of our family… how come you didn't want us to tell everyone that you were here?"

"Surely you'll just tell Ronnikins as soon as you get to school what happened over the summer, right?"

Harry paused, wondering if he could tell the twins or not. But as he looked at the twins they seemed to truly not suspect that anything could have gotten in the way of Harry and Ron's friendship. Plus they had already agreed to help him, so one more thing couldn't hurt… right? "Well actually…no. I'm not sure if I can trust him anymore. Well, to be honest I wasn't sure if I could trust you two either, but I had to take that risk."

The twins still looked confused, and appeared to be waiting for Harry to elaborate, so he took a deep breath and kept talking, "When I got to Diagon Alley this morning I first went to Gringotts. While I was there I was told that my magical guardian had set up a marriage contract for me… with Ginny. According to that contract your family has been getting 1,000 galleons from my vault every other month since my first year at Hogwarts."

The twins gasped, "We wondered why dad suddenly got such a big promotion—"  
"He didn't get a promotion, it was your money!"  
"Harry, mate! We swear—"  
"We didn't know!"

Harry actually started laughing, "It's okay. I believe you, I won't hold what your parents did against you."

"Wait! That explains why mum kept telling Ron that he had to be a better friend to you."  
"We once walked in on her yelling at Ron—"  
"Saying that he needed to get you and Ginny closer—"  
"And that he couldn't jeopardize all they had worked for."  
"We just figured they were talking about how Ginny was still shy around you—"  
"And how she was finally coming out of her shell. But it was about this!"

Harry sighed and nodded his head, "So Ron did know. Or even if he didn't, he was still doing what his parents were telling him to and becoming my friend, whether he wanted to or not is still unknown. Regardless, I don't know if I can look at him the same. Just don't let your parents find out that you know okay? They will probably figure out something is wrong when they don't get the payment next month, but until then I'm still trying to not let anyone figure out that I left my aunt's house. I have a lot to do before I go back to Hogwarts."

"Don't worry Harry—"  
"We got your back!"  
"Actually, I think we can help you in one more way."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking Fred?"

"Most definitely George."

"Okay, would you guys just tell me what is going on instead of pulling the twin act again."

The twins broke out laughing, "Sorry Harry!"

"Anyway, a couple years ago—"

"While researching the underage magic laws to find a loophole—"

"We actually found one. The Ministry sensors only recognize whether someone does magic around an underage wizard—"

"Not if that underage wizard actually performed the magic. The reason you got caught last summer is because you were in a muggle-filled area."

"But since you left the muggle's place—"

"You can do magic without them finding out about it."

"The ministry will just assume that someone is doing magic _around_ an underage wizard."

"Without them knowing where you are, or if there is an adult wizard around you, they can't tell if you broke the law or not!"

"Just be careful with how much magic you do wherever you are staying."

"If all of a sudden a lot more magic is appearing where there wasn't any before—"

"The ministry will probably come to investigate, just to make sure nothing fishy is going on."

"So in our family, we can do magic at the Burrow—"

"And the ministry will just assume it's our parents performing magic while we are near them."

"Drove Ron and Percy crazy since they couldn't figure out how we were still pulling pranks on them."

While the twins were talking Harry's smile kept getting bigger and bigger, and by the time they had finished explaining he had an almost-evil glint in his eye, "You guys just made my summer a lot better and my plans a lot easier. I owe you one… or several! But I should be going. I'll send Hedwig to you next week to see how the inventions are coming."

With Harry's mind buzzing for the second time that day, he left the store and made his way back to muggle London. He had to dodge two Order members going through Diagon Alley, but they didn't recognize him with his hood pulled up, so he was able to make it back to Grimmauld Place without incident.

Eight hours after Harry had walked into Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes Remus returned to his apartment after working in the muggle world. He had found it was much easier to get a job in the muggle world than in the wizarding world, and he could even arrange his hours so that he didn't have to work too close to the full moon. He threw his jacket over the back of a chair and was just going to go straight to bed, but as he passed his desk he noticed a small scroll sitting in the center of it. He had to do a double take, but yup, that was definitely a scroll sitting there when it wasn't there before. "Homenum Revelio."

There was nobody in his apartment, which meant that the scroll was probably sent by magic. He turned his wand to the scroll and checked for any curses that might have been placed on it. He didn't notice anything, so he walked over to the desk. That was when he noticed the Gringotts stamp on the parchment.

The farther down the parchment Remus read the closer his eyebrows got to his hairline. By the time he reached the bottom of the parchment Remus had a look of utter disbelief on his face, but this quickly changed to cool determination. He dropped the scroll on his desk, and while it was still rolling itself back up he was marching out the door, completely ignoring his jacket this time.

Remus was walking quickly towards Diagon Alley, thankful that he didn't live too far away, while thinking over the letter he had just read.

"_Greetings Mr. Remus J. Lupin. This letter is to inform you of a recent request for you to become a magical guardian. If you choose to accept your duties will be as listed below, while you are paid for each month of service to the child in question. Despite the amount set for this child's prior magical guardian, it has been requested that you shall receive more, if you agree. This higher salary will be due to a privacy clause our client has requested, as well as a notification for our client of any changes you will make on their behalf. Below you will find a letter from our client for your eyes only. Should you agree please inform us at Gringotts whenever is acceptable for you._

"_Moony, you probably thought I was still at the Dursley's house, so this is no doubt unexpected, but I need you to not tell Dumbledore you have heard from me. Don't worry I'm safe, I have a place to stay, and the Death Eaters can't find me. You have to understand why I did this, I can't be manipulated anymore. I'm not in control of anything, and it was getting worse at the Dursley's. I had to do this… for me. This is the first time in a long time that I have actually done something for me, so please don't try to find me, and don't tell the Order that I left. I should be back for Hogwarts, but for now I'm cutting off almost all contact with everyone. Now onto why you are getting this letter, I recently found out that Dumbledore has been hiding things from me… a lot of things. So I feel I can't trust him anymore. Right now I'm turning to you. You are the only on I feel safe trusting right now, so please don't let me down. If you have any questions the goblins at Gringotts should be able to help. But please, I need help right now, and I hope I can still trust you. ~Harry."_

_

* * *

_AN: Sorry for all the twin-speak, I sometimes get annoyed reading it but it is surprisingly fun to write!

Okay onto reviews:

Victoria of Memphis: Thanks! And yea, I'm bringing Moony in cause I feel like he doesn't get enough time in the books. :(

Ladywolfinmt: Yea so far in my plans for this story there is no pairing, but it might change later. But thanks for the compliments and reviews :)

Aaaaaaaand Question time! ::: My plans for this story after a couple of chapters are flexible, so I want to know your opinions: Should Voldie have horcruxes, or something else that saved him as just a one-time thing? Which do you prefer? (I'll put a poll up on my profile) (Oh and I'm not saying I will definitely go with what is popular, I just want to know where you stand).

OKAY! Last thing: I'm going to _attempt_ to put up another chapter before the 29th, since I'm going on vacation to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter for a week and a half on that day, but if for some reason I can't post before then I'll have to wait until after my vacation to post since I won't have internet access in Florida (Don't Hate Me!)


	5. Chapter 5

Wow… a year passed that fast? I guess I'm one of those people who don't update, but hates it when other people don't update. Just want to say that I never really forgot about my story, but whenever I did remember it I was always doing other stuff, like working full time, or studying my little butt off in school. But thanks to all the people who stumbled upon this in the past year and reviewed, favorited it, or put it on author alert or story alert. You kept it in my mind, and ultimately it was that that made me get motivated to write it again.

So no promises for the future, but for now I'm going to try to write.

Again disclaimer: I'm not JKR, if I was I would never meet a deadline and the books wouldn't have been published.

* * *

Lupin had marched into Gringotts, up to a counter and opened his mouth to ask the goblin who was there who he could talk to. Before he could say anything though, the goblin simply said "follow me" then walked through a side door.

Remus followed the goblin, trying not to look as confused as he felt and soon sat down in the same chair Harry had occupied earlier that day. Another goblin sat down on the other side of the desk that was in front of him, and pulled out several files.

"Can you please tell me what is going on here?"

The goblin looked up at Remus and smirked. "I assume you received the letter that was sent to you on behalf of Lord Potter-Black, and therefore have read the duties required of a magical guardian. Lord Potter would like to make you his magical guardian, which would put you in charge of his assets, and Wizengamot seats, until he becomes of age. You will receive a considerable amount of money over the next year should you choose to accept. But whether you accept or not, once you leave this room you will not be able to speak of this to anyone without Lord Potter's permission, as was outlined in the privacy policy I described in my letter."

Remus stared back at the goblin, still trying to wrap his head around it. "Why me? I haven't been there for him at all. And how can I get in touch with him?"

Although the goblin would not reveal exactly what he and Harry had talked about in their meeting, he made it clear that Harry believed it was best that Lupin was his magical guardian, and explained that should he need to get in contact with Harry, Gringotts would handle the letters.

"So, will you accept this responsibility?"

"What? Oh! Of course." Lupin composed himself then said, "If I write a letter to Harry now, can you please make sure it is delivered to him?"

"Certainly."

Harry was pacing around the kitchen while Hedwig watched him. He was trying to understand everything that was going on around him, and wondering if he had made the right decisions. 'What if Fred and George betray me? No, I can't think that. They looked surprised when I told them what happened. They won't let something slip… will they? No. But what about Lupin? He's always thought he owed Dumbledore ever since school. It was stupid for me to think of him. But who else do I have?'

He constantly fought himself in his mind, debating whether he had made the right judgment. But his internal monologue was cut short when a scroll with a gringotts seal appeared on the table as he was walking past it.

Harry took a breath then walked over to it, and unrolled the scroll.

_Harry,_

_I am so happy you would think of me, and will of course accept the responsibility as your magical guardian. Though I do not completely understand why you require this much secrecy, I respect that it is your right, and will not reveal what has transpired. No matter what happens, I know that your parents and Sirius would be proud of you, and that they are always watching down over you. I only wish to honor them and keep you safe—which I realize I have not done in the past. Please know that you can trust me, and you may call on me whenever you need._

_Remus Lupin._

Harry was uncertain as he put the scroll down. He was relieved that Remus would willingly keep his secrets, and had agreed to become his magical guardian. Yet he could not help feeling the weight of the world weigh down upon him as he thought of his parents and Sirius. He had to make them proud. Despite what Lupin said, Harry could not imagine that they would be proud of him. In that moment, he made up his mind. He had to be better. He had to be stronger. He needed to be _worthy_.

For the next two weeks Harry read his new books almost constantly. He wanted to learn as many new spells as he could, since he didn't think Hogwarts would prepare him for what fate seemed to have in store for his future. But there were times he couldn't distract himself by simply reading and malicious thoughts followed him. Whenever he was eating, working out, trying to sleep, or pacing he was almost constantly berating himself.

It was better than it was at the Dursleys, but they had made an impression, and it stuck. He still wasn't good enough. He still wasn't worthy. He constantly debated over whether it was a good idea to trust the twins and even Lupin. He wondered if he could trust anyone at school. He hated himself for having to run away and hide. And the more he read, the more he realized he didn't know.

He often toyed with the knife he had brought from the Dursleys house, but always ended up throwing it against a wall before he had the chance to cut himself again. He was scared about what he might do to himself. Scared that he might lose control. Scared because he didn't understand what had happened the first time he cut himself. And scared that if it didn't happen again he would just be ordinary… and a cutter.

He had always heard about people cutting themselves and always thought he was above that—how could the boy who lived ever feel that badly about himself? But there he was, thinking about it, all the time.

So he distracted himself. He tried to keep reading, he tried to work out to get it better shape. He tried to just be better. If he was perfect then he might survive, he might stop Voldemort. Nothing short of perfection would do.

After two weeks of barely eating or sleeping, he realized that he was supposed to send Hedwig to the twins. He half-heartedly berated himself for forgetting then went to write a message to the twins.

_Hey Fred and George,  
Please burn this note after you read it, and send back Hedwig when you're done, she won't need an address she'll just come back to me. Hopefully you guys have some stuff for me. If you don't that's okay, just let me know if there is any progress, or if there is no hope for making some of the things I asked for.  
Thank you,  
Harry  
P.S. If there is any news that you hear about Voldemort, or if there is any news about me going around the Order, please let me know. I hope I can still trust you two._

Finishing the note, he walked over to Hedwig and tied the note to her leg. "Okay girl, I need you to take this to the Weasley twins at their store in Diagon Alley. They might send something back with you, but it won't have an address on it. Be safe."

With that he walked over to the window with her on his shoulder, opened the window, and let her go. He watched her fly into the sunset, then turned around and lit the candles in the bedroom he was occupying with a flick of his wand. Despite what the twins had said, he still tried to limit his magic usage to small simple spells.

Through the books he had bought he was slowly becoming better at wordless magic. Despite his progress, he was too scared the ministry would find him to train with magic intensely.

Instead he trained physically and mentally. He drilled spells into his mind, and practiced the wand movements—but always ensured he didn't actually cast the spell. Then for hours on end he ran laps around the kitchen, ran up and down the many flights of stairs, lifted weight that Kreacher conjured for him, and pushed his body to the breaking point with different activities.

Every night for the past two weeks he had gone to bed exhausted, hoping that he would sleep through the night, but always ended up waking after an hour or two. Instead of going back to sleep, Harry got up immediately with his mind buzzing, and either continued training or reading.

If he pushed hard enough, he would be in control. He had to be.

* * *

AN: Okay, I know it's a short chapter, but hey at least I updated right? And now my mind is buzzing about what to do next. So hopefully I'll get another chapter up this week since I'm on spring break, and we'll see more of the twins, Harry's training, and maybe even some more blood runes ;) Who knows? This is as much an adventure for me as it is for you.

Then again, I might wake up tomorrow and read through this, then decide it is utter crap and try to rewrite it. But I tried to bring back some of the angst from the first two chapters, since that is an integral part of the story, and the other stuff was just to set up other things.

Again, please review. It helps keep me focused, and know if what I'm doing is good or not, or worth doing. Thank you all for reading, whether you like it or not :)


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